Conflicted…

RVingI have been faced with some challenges lately.  I find myself conflicted between responsibilities, obligations, doing the ‘right’ thing, or doing what I want.  As a wife, mother, daughter, and friend, I quite often put myself last – AFTER everyone else.  I think it’s a common thread among most women.

As I ride this emotional rollercoaster, hubby maintains a cautious distance assessing whether it’s Jekyll or Hyde he’s dealing with.  Feeling somewhat safe, hubby finally comments, “When is it your turn, Ingrid?  Don’t you think it’s time to think about yourself?  Time to put YOU first?”

Ah,but the guilt.  However, the events of this past year have worn me down….taken a tole on me mentally and physically.  I need to recharge……reboot.

We all deal with life’s challenges differently.  Some people pray or perhaps meditate.  Some folks turn to food, drink, exercise, or any number of other vices.  For me, it’s a combination.  I never did quite get the meditation thing down, but I have been known to pray.  A Betty Crockergood hike followed by a large helping of chocolate works better for me than any bottle filled with Zoloft or Wellbutrin.

So that being said, I went for a hike alone this morning in the State Park.  Just me and a lone coyote strolling while soaking in the warm sun and gorgeous blue sky.  I left the camera and headphones behind.  I needed to think and perhaps have a good cry.

I returned home after my stroll in the State Park and whipped up a batch of brownies.  After devouring half of these decadent treats ….clarity.  The clarity I was seeking.  Clarity without guilt (guilt after eating these brownies is another story).   A weight was lifted (although physical weight was added due to over indulgence of calories).   I’m not sure if it was the fresh air, the serotonin laced chocolate, the spent tears or the combination, but it did wonders for my mood.  Hubby has even removed that special vest he’s been wearing.

I now know what I have to do and what I want to do…clarity….no longer conflicted  🙂RVing

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31 thoughts on “Conflicted…

  1. I totally understand these conflicts…Dennis ( I call him McGyver) have been married 43 years the 22nd of this month..3 kids, 5 grandkids, 3 step grands and 3 step great grands..Also thought you might want to know that I found you by accident on the Bayfield Bunch blog followers…I knew your hubby from high school..I live in Sandwich..and…we have a 5th wheel we take on Winter trips South..Love your blog…mine is more of a strange and humorous l”ook at life” kind of blog….Come visit sometime..and keep up the blogging..it purges one’s soul..

  2. Sometimes you just need to go and let it go and release – hang in there! There is nothing wrong with a good cry, tantrum or seeking comfort in food – take the time to heal yourself in the way that works best for you:)

  3. As the many comments prove, you are not alone. Life is a constant roller coaster, so it’s important to find peace of mind simply from knowing you’ve done the best you can. 🙂

  4. I was only just talking to a friend about this the other day. Being pulled this way and that seems to be a regular event in many lives. I go the meditation way sometimes, but cake and walks are always a winner!

  5. We all need ‘me’ time so we have the physical and emotional energy to help others. Taking care of you should be first but few of us can do this without guilt. Hope you found some answers on your solo hike. Best to you 🙂

  6. Wow, heavy stuff…Chocolate, wine and alone time does help us know what to do when we grow up. I had moments such as yours and our trip to Alaska erased all those question marks in my head. Glad that Clarity is now with you…

    • Heavy stuff??? Yeah, my heads heavy with all the question marks. Glad you unloaded yours. Now I have to figure out how to unload mine 😉

  7. My wife and I have been married for 44 years just a few days ago. About 20 years ago we found our own alone time and it works great for us. I am a early riser and go to bed earlier. She is a late riser and goes to bed much later. Even though we love each other very much, those alone times help so much.

    I love brownies and I really love Frangelico. I have drank it along with brownies. But, I am wondering if you also add it into them. That would add another level of flavor. Do tell.

    We always add black walnuts to ours. Mmmmmmm

    We hope all is well now.

    • Yes, have to have Walnuts, yum. I did add the Frangelico and it didn’t work out too well so made a new batch…..bite of brownie, slug of Frangelico – oops a sip (more lady like, ha)
      44 years? Congrats. 30 for us. You have to find that balance for a healthy relationship. Glad to see the RV lifestyle is agreeing with ya!

  8. Have you ever read my page “on solitude”? I think we all need that sort of space now and then. Hope you get whatever it is you need, but know only too well that guilt of finding/making ‘me-time’ when so much is on our plates. Sounds like your walk, followed by brownies has worked. Keep it up!

  9. Glad you got your YOU time. And I will confess, those brownies made me a wee-bit envious. Sorry. I made treats tonight for my daughter and her friends, but haven’t come out of my office to steal some since they’re talking in the next room and I’d disturb them. Wah! I want my lone-coyote hike-chocolatey brownie time too!

    • You’re a mom and know eactly what I’m talking about. That coyote made me a little nervous at first, but we just kept a keen eye on each other. I can handle life as long as my sweets aren’t taken from me!

  10. How I’m with you on this one… my life seems to revolve around looking after my Mother and worrying about my wife’s 19 year battle with cancer… there seems to be so little ME time available.. meditation, don’t know how… chocolates, eat them all the time… cookies, I eat them as they come out of the oven with all the quips about how darn hot they are…. my time? alone with my camera and in the bush, to forget what I can, for the time that I can, and then it’s back to everyone else again… I don’t seem to have time for my own health, so a little extra weight is just something that comes and goes depending on how much I walk or not….

    • Boy, Bulldog…..just when I think I’m not sure how much more I can take, I hear stories much more difficult than mine.
      I’ve decided to keep clothes in three different sizes as I fluctuate. That way I always have pants that’ll fit. So if it takes brownies, cookies, a maragarita or some alone time with the camera, that’s what I’ll do.
      Here’s to facing life’s challenges head on…….I’ll eat an extra brownie for you so you don’t have to ingest the calories ….I’m just that kind of friend 🙂

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