Who’s a Better Kisser?

It’s mid December and we’re in the midst of the Christmas shopping season. Al and I are out and about running some weekly errands. Hubby see’s a Best Buy and recommends we step in to check out some DVD’s. Since we don’t have satellite TV, we rely on our RV antenna for television reception. Our location determines how many channels are available.sister wives

Ridgway State Park in Colorado and Moab, Utah, presented zero reception, as in nada, zilch. We were excited when boondocking in Quartzsite, Arizona, when the scanner seemed to pick up 5 channels. That is until we realized only one was in English. No hablo español. So it’s at these times we resort to our DVD collection.Guadalupe RiverThus, we head into the store in search of some new DVD’s to add to our library and that’s when Al sees her; just down the aisle to the left of the DVD’s. He’s drawn to her sleek hard body. He finds her irresistible. Ever so cautiously he approaches her. He finds his hand slowly gliding down her side. She doesn’t respond.

He lovingly touches a button off to the left and that’s when she responds. Al’s face glows in delight as she lights up and verbally responds to his touch. He freely fondles her with both hands and that’s when she appears to get skittish. He slows his touch, she responds. The two are totally engrossed with one another.

I stand off to the side with my arms crossed. Personally, I don’t know what he sees in her. And that voice…..monotone and annoying, but Al is enthralled. He barely notices me standing there. I wonder if I need to get a bucket of cold water to pry the two apart. Finally, the trance is broken. Al pulls himself away as we walk to the next aisle, but not without a final glance her way.

We pick up the final season of “Big Love” to add to our collection, but before heading to the check out aisle, we walk back down HER aisle. It is the Christmas season after all. Al’s a good husband and puts up with my shenanigans. Tis the season to give. I turn to Al and say, “Hon, if you want her, you can have her”. He responds wide eyed, “Seriously, you’re ok with this”? “Yes, let’s take her home. Mind you, I’m not sure I trust her, but I’ll have an open mind”. Meet Hildi….
Garmin nüvi 52LM 5-Inch Portable Vehicle GPS with Lifetime Maps (US)

On that note, we brought Hildi home and welcomed her to the family. Now Al has two wives telling him how to drive. Isn’t he lucky? Hildi sits between Al and me in the front seat. She remained quiet for most of our journey from Phoenix to Canyon Lake, but now we were in unfamiliar territory and needed to find the Rio Raft RV Park in New Braunfels, Texas.

I fumble with my maps in an attempt to get my bearings. Al is fondly stroking Hildi and she responds in that monotone voice of hers. It’s a battle of the wenches and clearly Hildi won this one. Feeling somewhat dejected, I accept that Hildi did do a great job of getting us to the Rio Raft RV Park.Texas highway

It’s New Year’s Eve. Al and I decide to head toward Rockport, Texas. I bring out the map and we review the route I’d like to take. There are two possible routes to get to our destination. Al thinks I’ve picked the slightly longer route. I disagree. We hop in the truck and Al turns Hildi on, which is easy to do, but boy don’t touch her wrong – she’s a temperamental little gal.  Thankfully she has this cute little return arrow that seems to calm her down.

She tells Al when and where to turn and even beeps when we approach a school zone. Al’s beginning to wonder what he’s gotten himself into and responds, “Great, now I have two women telling me how to drive and when to slow down”. I smile.

As we approach Interstate 35 in south Texas, Hildi tells Al to make a right. I tell Al to make a right. It looks to be more of a frontage road than an on ramp and thus he does NOT make a right. The sister wives recalculate. Hubby wants to turn around. His two wives tell him to go straight and make the next right. He’s out voted and thus listens to the two women. The quick I-35 jog was circumvented and we find ourselves on the correct road in short order.

It’s at this point I inform Al to let Hildi determine the route. I promise not to override her but I am keeping a close eye on where she takes us. I still don’t trust her. Al’s happy his two wives won’t be fighting. He still remembers earlier in the day when I disagreed with Hildi. Poor Al was torn between which wife to listen to. It became clear when I asked him, “Who’s the better kisser?” I thought so…..I’ll always be wife number one.

Texas longhornHildi takes us south through the town of Goliad; the very route I had mapped out. She and I are in agreement and Al is once again out voted and overruled. He’s not complaining though. He gets to focus on the driving and not worry about directions. Traffic was very light. The scenery reminded us of our childhood home state of Illinois; farmland with rich black soil and cattle roaming on fenced private land.

And then there are the vaguely familiar gray overcast skies, not the azure blue skies we have become more recently accustomed to in the desert southwest.

After a laughter filled, enjoyable three hour drive, we arrive at our destination near Goose Island State Park in Rockport, Texas.  I’m sure the tale of two wives shall continue…..
For some unique entertainment, check out Big Love and you’ll understand why I refer to Hildi as my sister wife.
Big Love: The Complete Series

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49 thoughts on “Who’s a Better Kisser?

  1. Now that is hilarious!!! In Rockport a couple of years ago our sister wife kept trying to make us take a left off of the bridge that goes to Goose Island — which would have dumped us right into the water! And she became more insistent and louder the longer we ignored her. We don’t trust her at all.

    • Oh dear – going off the Copano Bay Bridge…..long way down! Yep, don’t trust that gal no matter how insistent. She was probably after the life insurance money 🙂

  2. This is so darn funny, AND prescient. Bob got a Tom Tom specifically made for RV’s for Christmas from his son, after consultation with me, the FIRST wife. She’s on our trip with us and has been pretty decent in steering us this way and that, but on a few occasions I’ve had to snarl, “Listen to ME, not to HER” to Bob (at least so I can get my morning starbucks fix while on the road.) So I love your solution to consider her a sister wife (and yes, I’ve seen all of Big Love – just call me Jeanne Tripplehorn!). Still struggling to find a name. Bertha is our big suitcase and so far we’ve suggested and discarded Edna, LaShawnda and Gertrude. Bob thought of LaShawnda.

    • Haha…..for those of us who have watched Big Love the whole sister wife thing makes sense. With two women telling our husband’s how to drive it is like having two wives. Good luck on the name…..Bob’s choice??? I have an opinion but must refrain from saying 😆

      • Since I named our GPS after my beloved friend Barbara, because she was a wealth of information and loved to talk before her disease took that away from her, I don’t mind sharing. My bigger problem is when she does something Terry doesn’t like and he has a few colorful words for her! I feel better thinking that Barb is looking down on him laughing! 🙂

  3. This is all so familiar! Are we leading parallel lives? I used to swear at Gert the Sat Nav in the Tahoe. She was just stupid. I got us in a right mess arguing with Sammy the Sat Nav in England. Now I call Ms. OnStar himself’s new best friend. I sit sulking in the passenger seat. Hildi’s seduction is the most satisfaction Al is going to get out of her!

  4. That was a cute post! My sister wife is called Lola, and she and I keep hubby in line pretty well when on the road. Lola needs to figure out a way to keep us off of roads that are not meant to handle an RV, though. I’ve talked and talked to her, especially after we nearly got stuck on an itty bitty road last fall that took us almost 20 minutes to get turned around on. If your Hildi happens to figure out a solution to the itty bitty road issue, please tell her to call Lola! 😉

    • We’ve heard similar tales from numerous RVer’s whose ‘sister wife’ got them into serious trouble on roads not meant for RV’s. Hmmm, Lola….that was the name of my hubbies longtime college girlfriend….could it be one and the same? Haha! Trust me, I’ll be keeping a close eye on Hildi’s directions to make sure she doesn’t put us in a precarious scenario 🙂

  5. Ha! – having a good laugh over here – my hubbie has a female voice on our GPS too (not sure of her name though). I know he does not trust either of us some days driving cross country.

    • Oh how funny……two voices and he doesn’t trust either one. Fortunately for me, I’m usually a good navigator but that doesn’t mean Al won’t double check 🙂

      • Miss GPS told us one time to do a U-turn on a four-lane highway – WTH! Then you get in older cities and some times the only exit for a street is on the North side, so you have to get off, go over the freeway and get back on. I am a work in progress and learning to be a better navigator – prefer to look out the window and soak it all in though – ha!

  6. This was a great piece of writing Ingrid! Loved it!

    I set our Garmin to the British female voice. I believe her name is Jane. I love how haughty and judgmental she is when we disobey her directions. 🙂
    For fun, sometimes I pick a foreign language. The German chick scares the crap out of me.

  7. Electronic porn for breakfast…this must be a sign of an interesting day to come. 🙂

    We have a Hildi…but she goes by a different name. After several years of that seriously annoying voice, you’ll understand why we call her Naggie. And if her voice isn’t annoying enough, she’s got a real attitude problem. If she feels that we haven’t responded quickly enough to her course corrections, she becomes more and more rude and temperamental. I am sur there was one time that she almost swore at us. In fact, I am not the only one who has witnessed this. My friend Mayhem caught it all on video…watch out for her…especially in heavily congested cities!

    • Haha! I’m getting a kick out of everyone’s GPS tales. Interesting piece of equipment for sure. Hope it turned into a good day for you after a little….umm….as you said “electronic porn” LOL

  8. Loved the post, we are headed to Goose Island when we leave here. Thinking we’ll spend a few nights in one of the bay side sights right on the water.

    • Thanks and awesome you’ll be at Goose Island. Let me know when you’ll be there. I’m just down the road at Hidden Oaks RV Park (dive) but enjoying the area. The endangered whooping cranes can be seen off Lamar Beach Road. Fulton Beach Road is also fun to drive for other cranes, roseate spoonbills, herons, pelicans.

  9. I haven’t read the blog yet, but I like the title.

    You definitely know how to tell a story and keep my attention. Excellent job! I know our “Heidi” is not Paul’s favorite. He is contentedly calling her names…and not good ones.

    • LOL….I’ve heard some not nice stories about some of these GPS’ but Al felt we should have one. Heidi was our first choice of names but I grew up with a dog named Heidi. Thus Hildi. Glad you enjoyed 🙂

  10. That was a fabulous post and had me laughing away. I love the way you write. It’s funny you’re staying at goose island park..that’s the name of the park we stay in while in Wisconsin.
    You have safe travels now..ya hear?

  11. hahahahaha The honeymoon’s over for you Ingrid! I don’t trust my “sister wife” either so she remains in her case, locked down under the spare tire. She tries to speak but I ignore her. I defend my claim as first, best wife!
    Sue

    • Haha…..how funny. Oh yes, first AND BEST….I like that. I’ve heard horror stories from folks listening to their GPS’ and then getting into trouble so I’ll always double check. 🙂

  12. LOVED IT!! We have an older GPS Tom Tom..Dennis is a bit hard of hearing (some of it selective) so we have a deeper male voice directing us. I call him Carleton (you may remember the doorman from the TV show Rhoda)..Trouble is, he is so old that sometimes he thinks a road is a cornfield and screams at us to “turn around NOW!”..We have the reverse TV problem than you. We HAVE Direct TV, but no local channels..our antennae is broken..We hope to fix that problem. Den ordered some kind of “part” online and it is awaiting our arrival in Mathis TX on Wednesday at the USPO to pick up…Hope it works…and..your blog cracked me up…X-rated…hehehehe….

    • Ah, my MacGyver suffers from selective hearing as well. I see a Direct TV dish in our future. I can do without it, but Al likes his TV and we are in way too many places where we can’t get reception. Glad you liked the blog post. I can’t believe I accidentally scheduled two blog posts on the same day….I was bummed when I realized what I had done.

    • HaHaHa…..Tom with a female voice??? I tell you, the whole incident while traveling with this new GPS had us in stitches because it really did go down that way. Al questioned himself, “it’s bad enough to have one woman telling me how to drive, now I have two”. 🙂

    • Ah, initially I did consider throwing her out the window LOL but she has proven to be a worthy sister wife and in some instances her directions are better than mine….go figure!

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