Conflicted…

RVingI have been faced with some challenges lately.  I find myself conflicted between responsibilities, obligations, doing the ‘right’ thing, or doing what I want.  As a wife, mother, daughter, and friend, I quite often put myself last – AFTER everyone else.  I think it’s a common thread among most women.

As I ride this emotional rollercoaster, hubby maintains a cautious distance assessing whether it’s Jekyll or Hyde he’s dealing with.  Feeling somewhat safe, hubby finally comments, “When is it your turn, Ingrid?  Don’t you think it’s time to think about yourself?  Time to put YOU first?”

Ah,but the guilt.  However, the events of this past year have worn me down….taken a tole on me mentally and physically.  I need to recharge……reboot.

We all deal with life’s challenges differently.  Some people pray or perhaps meditate.  Some folks turn to food, drink, exercise, or any number of other vices.  For me, it’s a combination.  I never did quite get the meditation thing down, but I have been known to pray.  A Betty Crockergood hike followed by a large helping of chocolate works better for me than any bottle filled with Zoloft or Wellbutrin.

So that being said, I went for a hike alone this morning in the State Park.  Just me and a lone coyote strolling while soaking in the warm sun and gorgeous blue sky.  I left the camera and headphones behind.  I needed to think and perhaps have a good cry.

I returned home after my stroll in the State Park and whipped up a batch of brownies.  After devouring half of these decadent treats ….clarity.  The clarity I was seeking.  Clarity without guilt (guilt after eating these brownies is another story).   A weight was lifted (although physical weight was added due to over indulgence of calories).   I’m not sure if it was the fresh air, the serotonin laced chocolate, the spent tears or the combination, but it did wonders for my mood.  Hubby has even removed that special vest he’s been wearing.

I now know what I have to do and what I want to do…clarity….no longer conflicted  🙂RVing